


Incertitude

by kumkanii



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Complicated Relationships, F/F, Game: The Last of Us Part II, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, i miss jesse, joel is a great dad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-14 22:09:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29674008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kumkanii/pseuds/kumkanii
Summary: Your relationship with Ellie is too complicated for your own good.
Relationships: Dina/Jesse (The Last of Us), Ellie (The Last of Us)/Reader, Maria/Tommy (The Last of Us)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ngl im super insecure about this but first times a charm, right?

You and Ellie’s friendship was...complicated.

There was always a time where you two had each other’s backs, on both patrols and at social gatherings. You did things with each other like it was expected. Going out to party, having sleepovers, and pulling pranks on people of the town as well. You trusted each other deeply, and told secrets that you both would take to the grave. She told you about her immunity, about how she and her friend -- Riley, you remembered -- had gotten bit and died. She told you what she remembered about her mother, her relationship and journey with Joel as well. In exchange, you had told her about your family. How your parents had passed away due to being infected, and your only siblings leaving you out in the cold because they had blamed it on you. You never told anyone about her immunity, and she defended you when someone had asked or bullied you about your family.

But then again, as you both had put it, it was complicated. Some nights, both of you would be close to putting your lips together, wanting to be each other’s missing puzzle pieces. You both would be throwing flirtatious jokes at each other, not even knowing that the other side of the party secretly wished and hoped that it was more than a joke. You two wanted each other so bad, it made your friend group (jokingly) sick. Only time could tell, right?

It was a regular patrol, nothing out of the ordinary happening, until a blizzard came rolling out of nowhere ready to hit Jackson and everything else that stood with it. After killing a couple of infected, you and Ellie had found yourselves at an old library where you and your mentor, Eugene, used to hang out. Knowing where everything was, you took your friend, -- and long time crush, -- downstairs to where you knew it was at least warm.

And full of weed.

“Holy shit,” Ellie started, running her fingers on the medicinal herb. “This is a lot of weed.”

“A shit ton of--” Crunch. “...Dead weed.” You turned around to find her holding  
jar of wrapped up weed, looking you up and down.

“Do you think this is of any good?” The brunette inquired, trying to open it.

“I mean, does weed go bad?”

You watched her struggle with the weed, chuckling slightly. She looked up to you, a deadpan expression on her face. After quick quips back and forth about who would open the jar first, you finally got fed up and threw the jar on the ground.

“What the _fuck_ is wrong with you?” She asked, her hands flattened out in front of her.

You rolled your eyes, chuckling whilst picking up a roll. “I got it open, didn’t I? You owe me that biscuit.” You sniffed it, holding onto her arm slightly. You could have sworn the brunette had turned a shade of red. “Smells alright, I think.”

You and Ellie had sat on the couch, thinking and talking about numerous things. Mainly you talking and Ellie listening. One thing she couldn’t get out of her mind was how your lips moved when you talked, or how the corners of your mouth had a slight upward motion whenever you made the silliest jokes. The way your skin was dimly lit in the den you both occupied. Everything about you, she had adored and taken into consideration at all times.

On your third blunt, is when things started getting more heated. “Ellie, I have a question to ask…”

She looked up at you, watching your facial expression to see what was going on. “Shoot.” She stated, taking a drag and blowing out some smoke.

“Would you...I don’t know? Ever consider kissing me?” You ask, retrieving the blunt from her and looking at it nervously. The silence after the question had you chuckling. “I mean if it’s not your thing then--”

“(Y/n),” Ellie started, taking the blunt from your hand. “This the high talking or what? If so I don’t think you need to take any more puffs.”

You looked up at her, straight into her green eyes. They held a mischievous glint to them, one that slowly but surely started to piss you off. _This little fucker_ , you thought. She knew exactly what she was doing, and honestly you weren’t sure if this was just the weed taking effect or if you were genuinely...sort of confessing your feelings to her. Just a simple kiss couldn’t hurt anything or anyone.

You scoffed, blowing the weed out and placing it behind your ear after it cooled down. “I don’t know, Williams. What the hell do you think?”

Ellie laughed, the sound spreading towards the whole room her smile reaching the tip of her ears. “You always come up with the best jokes-”

“It’s not a joke, Ellie.”

Her face slightly fell, albeit it was still in a smirk. She grabbed the weed from behind your ear, lighting it once again and taking a puff. Her voice was a hushed whisper, her lips so close to yours that some of the smoke from the joint moved into your mouth. You wanted this so bad, and from what you could see, it seemed like Ellie wanted it just as much, maybe even more.

That is until Jesse and Dina busted into the room. “Well, look at (L/n) and Williams, all close on the cou-” He was interrupted when Dina had hit him on his arm. “They were finally gonna kiss Jess, you ruined it!”

“Well I didn’t notice! If you would’ve told me then I wouldn’t have come in- Ow!”

You laughed at the couple, after you had embarrassingly fiddled with your jacket sleeve. You started moving to get your stuff, and in the corner of your eye you had seen Ellie beginning to say something, but you started before she could. “Has Joel and Tommy gotten back yet? I’m sure I’ll be ready to eat before we get back.”

Jesse nodded, getting a quick glance at Ellie in the process. “Yeah, they made it back after the blizzard got better, but it’s gonna get worse later so we should move.”

Everyone moved around to get their stuff, and started heading out the door. You rode in the front, wanting not a single peep from any of them about what they had almost witnessed. Were you upset? Mad? Scared? Whatever you were feeling, it wasn’t a very happy feeling. Gripping the reigns tighter, you huffed and tightened your ankles around your horse so it could trot a little faster. You just wanted to get away from everyone, you even considered skipping dinner tonight just so you wouldn’t look so embarrassed in front of everyone, especially Ellie.

When you were out of earshot, Dina turned to look at Ellie. “Is…(Y/n) okay? She seems kinda tense.” She stated, turning her body back around to guide her horse through the ice.

Ellie huffed whilst scratching her temples. “I think so, but I’m not exactly sure. Maybe I’ll ask her later on tonight, maybe tomorrow.”

The man of the group nodded slightly. “You definitely should. Maybe you’ll get more than just a kiss to-”

“Jesse!” Ellie blushed.

“What?! You know it’s true.” He replied.

The brunette sighed, dreading the rest of the horse ride. “Oh, brother…”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song used: Santa Monica dream - Agnus & Julia Stone.  
> 

You, Maria, Tommy, Dina, Jesse, Joel, and Ellie had sat at the dinner table. You all mainly talked about how your days went, and the upcoming events of Jackson. There was going to be another dance, and a couple of traders were on their way to the small community. The weather was changing, and it was getting quite bad, so the young adults and the ones who had the least experience had to take a day or so off, at least until the snowstorms had come to a halt.

You were at the end of the table, while Ellie was at the opposite side. You were playing with your food, thinking about the events of today. You don’t quite remember who leaned in first, what the conversation was even before that. Everything before Jesse and Dina had walked in. Was she playing games with you until she got what she wanted? Was she just bored? What could she even want?

“(Y/n)!”

Your heart almost jumped out of your chest and onto your food, but you calmly looked up, making a sound to assure you were listening. You looked at Maria, the person you had assumed called your name while you were rambling on in your head. “I asked you about your patrol, how was it?”

You took a sip of your drink, trying to push away the thoughts of you and Ellie. You blinked, taking a deep breath afterward. “It was fine, killed a couple of infected. Got caught in the blizzard but we made it home with no injuries.” You continued to manage your smile as you saw that Ellie furrowed her brows from the corner of your eyes. 

Maria turned to look at Ellie, poking a little fun. “Would you like to challenge that, Miss Williams?” She asked whilst putting a piece of broccoli in her mouth.

Ellie shook her head, holding a little of her...anger? Jealousy? Whatever it was, she was holding it down. “She’s right, it was fine. Nothing special happened _. _ ” She said, stabbing her fork into her steak.

Jesse and Dina stiffened, and looked over at Tommy, while Joel stopped chewing abruptly. The tension had begun to rise, and it had made sure that it claimed its dominance. You looked at your food, slowly but surely losing your appetite as time went by. Deciding your next move, you looked at Ellie with the most silent but deadly glare, and she had moved back a bit in her chair. 

Being fed up, you scoffed and moved your chair back, pushing it back in and smiling at everyone but Ellie. “Thanks, Maria, Tommy, and Joel for the amazing meal tonight. It was fun sitting at the table and conversing. I’ll see all of y’all tomorrow.”

Joel patted your elbow, looking up at you solemnly. “I’ll walk you home.” He stated, pushing your shoulder out towards the door. Honestly, the last thing you wanted was Joel walking you home, because you knew he would ask you about what just happened. You knew he meant well, but right now all you wanted was to be alone. 

You pushed open the door, walking down the steps and onto the street, Joel right behind you. The beginning of the walk was a little silent, almost insufferable. You stretched your arms out, swinging them back and forth and bracing yourself. “You didn’t have to walk me, Joel.” You stated, turning to look at him. The older man looked up at you, chuckling. “I know. Just wanted to give ya some advice-”

“About what?” The inquiry you pushed out sort of sounded a little hostile, but you hoped Joel wouldn’t notice.

“Well, I don’t know what happened between Ellie, but you too need to talk it out in my eyes.”

You inhale deeply, trying to understand where Joel was coming from. He was right, might as well get it over with before you had to be faced with her again, making the space entirely awkward. Joel walked in front of you, your feet shuffling behind him to quickly catch up

“You know, I can tell you got offended by something.” He quipped, pushing you to the side a little. “I know the tone of voice Ellie had.”

“Oh yeah?” You asked, smiling a little. “How could you tell?”

“I know when my daugh-” He coughed to cover himself up. “When  _ Ellie  _ has something going on.”

“Ah ah, your daughter?” Your smile grew wider as you teased the old man. Behind that scruffy beard, you could see his skin turn a little red. Soon, you both walked onto the porch of your house. “I thank you for walking me home, Mr. Miller.” You shook his hand, both of you erupting into a hearty laugh. 

“You take care, (Y/n). Don’t do anything stupid, okay? Goodnight.”




The towel wrapped around your hair had been soaked, making you replace it with another as you quickly got dressed to go answer the door. It was currently 11 at night, and you wondered who in the hell could be knocking on your door at this time. It was unlike Maria or Jesse to come this late to tell you about a schedule change this late, almost all of Jackson was asleep.

“Comin’! Give me a second, damn.” You mumbled as the person knocked 3 more times since you had left the bathroom. Skipping on getting your robe, since you weren’t stepping outside of your house at any cost with shorts and a tank top on, you opened the door and you almost closed it immediately.

It was Ellie.

“Hey.” She exhaled, looking past you which meant she was silently asking to come in. You opened the door wider, whispering ‘hey’ and closing the door. “Would you like anything from the kitchen? I got some te-”

“What was that at the dinner table tonight?” She asked, turning to look at you.

Body stiffened, you felt sick a little bit. You could take confrontation, but not by Ellie. You had almost forgotten about dinner. “I just felt sick, that’s all.”

The girl in front of you rolled her eyes. “(Y/n) that’s the shittiest excuse I’ve heard from you.”

At first, you felt bad. You didn’t want to lie to Ellie at all, but as you were thinking about it, wasn’t Ellie the one being petty in the first place? Did she not know that she had put you in a confusing situation? Your (e/c) iris’ traced over her face, taking in every small detail you could as you slightly shook your head. “Well, I’m sorry that I wasn’t sure if you wanted to announce us almost having a make-out session while we were out on patrol. Wasn’t that  _ special _ anyway, right? And weren’t you the one who tried to add salt to a wound-”

“What wound?” She cut you off. “What wound could you possibly have, (Y/n)?”

“Ellie, whatever the fuck we’ve been doing, you’re not making it clear.” 

“God, (Y/n). Stop...being like other girls and be straightforward. Why don’t you tell me how you feel? Since you want salt out of your wound!” Ellie asked, slightly raising her tone and stepping closer.

“I don’t tell you shit about my feelings ‘cause we should be worried about more important things. I ain’t wanna be a burden about-”

“Well, you’re being a burden now, aren’t you?”

If the nurse was in here, if it weren’t for the sound of the clock ticking on your wall, if it wasn’t for the wind howling outside, you both would have heard your heart shatter into pieces. You tried your damn best. Your hardest, to blink the tears away. You tried staying calm as your sadness combined with anger. You tried everything with her, but shit wasn’t workin’ out.

Ellie snapped out of it, going to touch your arm but you smacked it away. Her heart began to collapse, as she saw tears going down your face, eyebrows furrowed. 

“Ellie Williams.” You began, “Get the fuck out of my house.”

“(Y/n)...y-you don’t mean that-”

“I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT!” You screamed, whilst hooking your left arm around her back, and pushing your right palm into her shoulder to push her towards the door. “And don’t come back.”

Ellie and you stared each other down until you took the damp towel off your head and threw it at her, getting angrier by the second. Before she left, her eyes showed a flicker of sadness and guilt. She turned the knob slowly, mumbling a ‘goodnight’ and leaving. You shook your head picking up the towel and wiping your face. You were in the right, you had every single right to be mad after the shit she just said to you. Someone doesn’t just try to kiss you one moment, then call you a burden soon after. That’s not right. She completely treated you like shit minutes ago, and it wasn’t fair.

By the time you had made it to bed, your face was red from rubbing it on the towel plenty of times. You sighed, a hiccup interrupting you. This was the shittiest night you could go through, and it was both you and Ellie’s fault.

* 

2 weeks had passed by since you and Ellie had spoken to each other. You, of course, were still mad at her and wanted nothing to do with her at the moment. Maria was kind enough to switch you to the routes with Jesse, making Dina go with Ellie. Dina didn’t mind at all, she had heard about the fight you too had, and admitted that she was a little upset with Ellie about it. Joel checked up on you with a couple of books, letting you drown yourself in a different world to distract yourself from Ellie.

It was the break of dawn as you walked to the stables. Your hair had been put up into a neat bun, slicking it back and letting it alone at the end. Your white -- now off-white -- boots crunched on the little snow that was left on the ground. Spring was right around the corner, so that means more events without them getting canceled due to snowstorms.

You opened the gate, passing Martin and getting your horse, Okoye, with a quick thank you. Jesse was waiting for you outside, a look of worry on his face, and a horrible attempt to hide it when he looked up and saw you approaching. “Uh, hey, (Y/n)! How are you-”

You chuckled, climbing your horse. “Just spit it out, I’ll be fine.”

“You’re not gonna like it at all.” The black-haired boy sang, giving you your rifle and leading you further outside.

You underestimated him deeply, rolling your eyes as you ducked your head to refrain from hitting it on the top of the barn. When your eyes looked ahead, your heart sank. There she was, in all of her glory. She looked upset, twiddling her thumbs as it seemed like Dina was talking about something. You felt no type of jealousy, but you did feel a little bad. Were you doing too much by not talking to her? By avoiding her? It has been two weeks since you said something to her. Maybe a day since you last looked her way. Okoye neighed, catching Ellie and Dina’s attention. 

Dina smiled, pushing Ellie forward a little bit, giving her a thumbs up while you were talking to one of the townsfolk. Ellie sighed, making her way over to the girl she needed to talk to. It wasn’t until a few minutes later that you had even acknowledged she was standing there. The brunette opened her mouth to say something but was cut off by Jesse.

“Alright, everyone! You know the drill. Sweep out any infected you see, check your logbooks, and make sure that you come back if anything you can’t handle comes your way.” He stated, looking at the unit. Alright, open her up!” 

Your eyes met Ellie’s, and she quickly walked back to her horse as Jesse got on his beside you. He shook his head a little, looked over at you then ahead. “Don’t worry, shugs*, she’ll come around. She always does.” A quick breath escaped him, making his horse move forward. You nibbled on your bottom lip before you clicked your cheek and traveled behind Jesse. Soon following you were Ellie, Dina, and other patrol mates.

As the 4 of you rode along clearing out infected and grabbing supplies, you had stumbled upon a couple of guitar picks and some string. You weren’t the musical string type, so you put them in your bag. At least then you would have an excuse to talk to Ellie. Dina had peeked around your shoulder, looking at the things you had picked up. She asked if you were going to give them to Ellie, and knowing the answer, she squealed. After a little bit of playful banter between the two of you, you were quickly rushed out of the store to finish your patrol. Subsequently leaving the store. You checked your bag one last time before getting on your horse...only to almost fall off on the other side.

Ellie quickly caught you, like she had it all planned out herself. She pushed you back onto Okoye, twiddling her thumbs and going back to Shimmer before you asked her a question. “Do you think you could come over tonight?”

She stopped in her tracks, a shaky breath escaping her. “Uh, I have a couple of things after patrol but-”

“Well if you do then it can wa-”

“But they can wait, (Y/n).” She smiled, and it was an expression you quickly returned. “Good...Good.”

*

It was a little past 9 when Ellie had gotten ready to head over to your house. She didn’t want it to be so soon, but she also didn’t want it to be late. She watched a movie with Joel a few minutes prior, wanting to spend time with the old man and help ease her nerves a little bit. Ellie then picked up her bag, thanking Joel and heading for the door, until he rushed over to stop her.

“You going to meet ‘er? (Y/n)?” He asked, leaning against the wall in the living room door.

Ellie blinked and nodded, turning around to look at him. “Yea...I wanted to talk some things out with her. It’s...mandatory I guess?” The older man chuckled at the response whilst patting her on the shoulder. “Well, I trust you’ll do the right thing...And Ellie? Make sure you don’t let her go.”

She smiled, nodding and giving him a thumbs-up, and out the door, she went. Her heart started beating rapidly against her ribcage as she made her way to your house. She was nervous as  _ fuck _ . The last time she was there she regretted everything that went down. She regretted ever talking to you that way. Your expression after she said, it hurt her to the core. She didn’t know if she could fix it or not, but she would damn well try. She couldn’t lose you, she couldn’t afford it.

Ellie was so in thought that she didn’t even know she was in front of your house. A wave of incertitude washed over her, bracing herself for the inevitable, and she had knocked on the door.

Your ears picked up at the sound, quickly turning off the sink water and drying your face. You too were nervous. Not as nervous as you were the past few hours, but you had realized it was coming sooner or later. Music was currently playing in the living room, not having it blaring, but enough to have your nerves calmed down. Did you try to choose some music that was close to Ellie’s taste? Yes. Did you regret it? Not until you heard a knock on the door. As you wipe your hands on your jeans, your reflection stares back at you in a mirror of your hallway. You looked decent, a little better than any other day. In honesty, you thought you looked like a babe.

Another knock was heard at the door, and you quickly rushed over to turn the knob. You inhaled and exhaled a bit, making sure that your heart had calmed down. Swinging the door open, stood Ellie. Her eyes were wide, pupils dilated from seeing you (not that you could tell, though). You thought she was absolutely stunning, even if she wore only a blue plaid shirt. As she, too, thought you were beautiful, even with slightly damp hair that she knew you forgot to dry. “Can I come in?” She asked.

You nodded, moving to the side. You watched her move, setting her bag on the coffee table of your living room. Your feet decided to follow her, although your mind had said not to move at all, especially too close. You sat on the couch, observing as she took out a couple of small coin bags from her backpack. When you slightly sniffed the air, you chuckled.

“What’s the weed for?” You asked, getting raw blanks from your box over the fireplace.

“Well, you said you wanted to talk, and I know how nervous you get.” Ellie teased, but the statement was more towards herself. She takes the blunt from your hands, quick enough for you to not notice her shaking hands, but not too quick as to where you would notice.

As Ellie and you sat on the couch trying to get comfortable, she looked over near you. “Firstly, I wanna ask how are you? It’s been a while since we talked.” Her eyes were moving around, looking everywhere but where your eyes. Saying you felt bad was kind of an understatement. “I’ve been okay. Just patrol, rearranging the house here and there...I uh...practiced on your guitar.” 

Your announcement had made Ellie smile like a ball, and her eyes finally met yours as she passed you the blunt, glistening with happiness. “Really? I’m...I’m proud of you. You gonna play somethin’ for me or what? Go get it!”

You let out a genuine laugh, running around the corner to grab her guitar from the table. It wasn’t dusted since you had picked it up a couple of times you two were distanced. Next to it, you found the strings and guitar pick that you picked up from the store earlier. Full of glee, you grabbed all items necessary and walked back into the living room.

“I grabbed you a pick and some new strings...I was gonna give them to you earlier but, I had a better idea. Can you replace them or do we need your old man?” You joked, watching as she began unwinding the strings. 

“No, I got it. I promise this time.” She mumbled, quickly getting into action so you could play for her sooner. After she was done, she handed you the guitar, watching as your fingers dance among the strings. Maybe she missed you more than you thought. She lit a blunt and gave it to you, letting you smoke before you played for her. After a couple of ‘okays’ and you telling her not to laugh, you finally tuned the guitar and tried to play a quick song.

Ellie smiled, listening and watching you play.

“ _ Goodbye to my Santa Monica dream. 15 kids in the backyard-” Wrong note. “...drinking wine.”  _ You continued, trying your best to sing while fixing up some notes. “ _ You tell me _ …” Voice crack. “Stories of the sea. And the words-” Wrong. “We left-” Note. “Behind.” Voice crack.

You grabbed the blunt from in between her lips and took a long drag. “You know what, I changed my mind.” You stated, laughing and coughing, while the girl on the opposite end of the couch started laughing her ass off.

When she wiped away the tears, your eyes were caught being fixated on her. You rolled your eyes, biting the inside of your cheek and looking at the blunt in your hand. “Told you I’m no good.” Ellie’s smile slightly faltered, eyes scanning your face, then your hand.

“I’m sorry.” You both said simultaneously. You insisted that she went first since she seemed like she wanted to get it out more. “I didn’t mean anything I said that night...You were right, we have better things to worry about.”

Worry clouded your face, as you thought to yourself ‘was this her way of saying goodbye to you...for good?’ 

“Though, I’m sure I want you to be one of the biggest things I’ll have to worry about right now.”

You scratched your cheek, trying to refrain them from burning and causing a smile to reach the corner of your eyes from the heartfelt statement she made. Fuck it.

You snuffed out the blunt out on your pants leg, put the guitar on the side of you and grabbed Ellie’s face, pushing your lips onto hers. She gladly accepted, nibbling on your bottom lip and slipping the tip of her tongue into your mouth. Her hands got attached to your waist while yours got lost in her hair. She pulled you closer, feeling your warm skin against the palm of her hands. Both of you were so lost in each other, so infatuated. It was the thing you mainly dreamed of, finally sealing your lips onto each other, and getting all your frustrations out through one kiss. Ellie felt as though she was blessed, the Goddess of Love finally blessing her with a peak of happiness in this dark, fucked-up world.

Ellie was the first to pull away, looking into your eyes as she caught her breath. Your lips moved up and down trying to hide the stupid smile your face was trying its damndest to pull. She placed her forehead close to yours, still holding onto your waist. “It took you 2 weeks and a blunt to make a move?” She smirked.

You rolled your eyes, getting off her lap and nodding your head. “Maybe...now play me a song since you wanna laugh at me.” 

Ellie grabbed the guitar, tuning it to the correct chords and placing her arm over to the other side of the guitar, plucking the strings one by one. “The chords weren’t in t-”

“Play the damn song Williams. Lecture me later.” 

She kicked your foot a little, scooting a little closer to you so she could be closer. She felt so safe around you, felt so much better. Joel was right, she couldn’t let you go. It felt foreign to her, it felt weird. She then placed her hand against the strings on the guitar, playing the  _ correct _ notes.

“ _ I’m somewhere, you’re somewhere.  _

_ I’m nowhere, you’re nowhere.  _

_ You’re somewhere, you’re somewhere.  _

_ I could go there,  _

_ but I don’t.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (*) shug - shorter pronunciation of sugar
> 
> Hello! I just want to thank everyone so much for reading! I loved writing this, every second. This is my first published writing so it'd be nice to leave comments (only if you want!) I'll be writing more in the future of course, but this is just a stepping stone.
> 
> I'd like to thank Kina, Hailey, Trix, and a lot of the Moldy Shawties Twitter GC to encourage me to write. I had writer's block for 4 years, so publishing something makes me so happy. Once again, thank you for reading!


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